Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Mondoradio or Let's Cut The Crap (about this blog)

I've come to the conclusion that recording all the time makes maintaining a blog about a fictional marketing firm difficult. Also, I ran out of ideas. So I'm just going to talk shit here, as myself, or rather, as the persona/nickname I gave myself.  

My 3rd mixtape of 2017, "Mondofly Vol 1: Love Letters to Lady Doubt," comes out next week and Mondoradio is the first track. Aside from an excuse to brag, (I'll elaborate more on this in the coming weeks) this joint is about making my own music because I dislike most of the music I hear on mainstream radio and in stores (College/University radio is a different beast entirely). I don't mean this as an indictment in the "court of selling out" for artists that aim for radio play....or even an indictment of the radio as an entity. It's just that I don't like 99% of that stuff so I'd rather listen to me, my music rules. However, I believe that artists should make what they want to make, so if making money is all that matters to you, then by all means, please, shit out toothless, trendy music that appeals to a broad spectrum of prepubescent humans. More power to you. Just don't R. Kelly that shit. Yeah, fuck that dude and everyone that does a feature with him. Child raping shitbag. Him and Roman Polanski. 

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Memo: Now He's Using Our name and Brand

Internal Memo from Legal dept. Read only.

By now you are all aware that the product has begun using our company's name in his homemade advertisements. 

The ad in question announces a promotional contest for his latest release A Brief History of Terrible Men. The winner of this contest will receive 10 guineas after mailing in a pelt of Proud Boy facial hair. Research has informed us that Proud Boys are an alt-right hate group founded by an unfunny Fox News and Rebel Media commentator. Proud Boys are western chauvinists that abstain from masturbation and despise Islam and immigration. As detestable and weird as Proud Boys may seem, we in the legal dept are alarmed by the product's endorsement of violence for money. However, there is a way in which our previous Bryan Atoms exbranding campaign can benefit from this. The call for paid violence may capture the interest of ex-soldiers turned soldiers of fortune (oft referred to as mercenaries or guns for hire), and with the right networking strategy this may lead us to a finalized sale of the Bryan Atoms device. It has been an uphill battle to break into the international arms market, but perhaps a more grassroots approach will help us to make a bang in the black market arms game. 

With regards to the Product's usage of our name and brand for the purpose of advertising, this is well within the product's rights. You may recall that when we negotiated the rights to his name and likeness, he demanded that we hand over the rights to our names and likenesses. We had all assumed that this was nothing more than the product indulging his contrary nature,  and there would be no backlash, but it would appear that we were wrong. On the plus side, there is hope. His actions can be interpreted as the product warming up to the idea of exbranding, and will hopefully lead to a new level of cooperation. 

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Meeting Minutes from 07/20/17

Meeting called to order at 8:30 am by chairperson L. Bracer

Attendees :
Chaze Morley
B'rit Léé
(Big Lies No Hustle) Dry Chinaski
MyKel Hensun
Ci Milton
Størm Been
L. Bracer
Vá Kae
Tylur Chasm

Té Tá
Bo Hatch

Location : Rand Boardroom 2nd floor Panic Nest, Toronto

A. Chaze reads the agenda
B. Agenda approved by all except Dry Chinaski
C. Chinaski refuses to approve agenda until brunch is added
D. All present vote to continue. Brunch is not added.

Reading of last week's minutes
A. Minutes approved by all except Dry Chinaski (absent from last meeting) who questions accuracy of minutes.
B. All present promise the minutes are accurate.
C. Chinaski requests the audio taping of all future meetings, citing that it isn't real until it's digital.
D. Request not approved.
E. All present vote to continue.

1. Report from Sales Dept.
A. B'rit reports that the sale of the Bryan Atoms device has been narrowed to two parties. The first is an international food concern interested in resolving a labour dispute in central America. The second party is a US backed liberation concern in the middle East. Both parties have given equal bids.
B. All agree the bids are too low.
C. Chinaski states he will not work with a corporate entity trying to overthrow a democratic society, nor will he work with a country led by a pumpkin skinned fuckstick.
D. Chinaski refuses to continue until "fuckstick" is recorded in the minutes.
E. B'rit promises to value Chinaski's position and ends report.
F. All vote to continue.

2. Presentation from marketing: How to increase Bryan Atoms' presence in socials.
A. MyKel begins by discussing a recent decline in the twitterverse.
B. Chinaski objects to the use of the term "socials" and explains social is an adjective and cannot be pluralized.
C. All vote to refer to "socials" as "social media" in Chinaski's presence.
D. MyKel continues discussion about the twitterverse.
E. Chinaski objects to the term twitterverse and is reminded he is not in court.
F. Chinaski submits "the destruction of language for marketing purposes" as a new topic to be added to the agenda.
G. All disagree.
H. Chinaski refuses to attend any further meetings until all in attendance have read 1984 by George Orwell.
I. MyKel recommends emailing his presentation notes to those interested.
J. All vote to continue.

3. Report from research and development re: Eau De Lies cologne
A. Størm reports that R&D have had difficulty capturing the scent of "failure and financial ruin" as suggested by Chinaski during the R&D brainstorming workshop held in March.
B. Chinaski invites all in attendance to smell his shirt.
C. All decline and Chinaski is asked to return to his seat.
D. Sample bottles of Eau De Lies are distributed
E. Størm reports on focus group data.
F. Chinaski objects.
G. Størm reports on clinical trials.
H. Chinaski objects and begins singing the theme from Family Ties, stopping only when it is recorded in the minutes that the sample of Eau De Lies smells like a vegan's urine.
I. Størm describes the aroma as the most pleasant scent that could be achieved from Chinaski's preferred list of ingredients and cites the positive feedback from the focus groups as motivation for the rush to market.
J. Chinaski begins singing the theme from Oklahoma and all agree that the minutes will reflect his disapproval.
K. Chinaski sings the theme from Cheers until it is recorded in the minutes that Eau De Lies will only appeal to coma patients and rutting moose.
L. Størm makes a motion that Chinaski be banned from the boardroom.
M. Chinaski reminds her she isn't in court.
N. It is decided that the remainder of Størm's report be emailed.

4. Presentation from legal department addressing the potential fallout from Chinaski's continued infringement of copyright laws.
A. Chinaski objects.
B. Report to be emailed.

5. Presentation from Chinaski regarding his next release "A Brief History of Terrible Men."
A. All vote to continue without presentation.
B. Chinaski begins reciting an acapella version of his latest mixtape's title track.
C. All vote to have presentation emailed.
D. Chinaski objects.

5. Review of meeting goals and achievements
A. Chinaski objects.
B. Review to be emailed.
C. Meeting end.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Report from Marketing: Status of Methodology for Maximizing Exbranding and Initialization of MEDSAT for COINPLIGHT.


Our Canada Day and Independence Day campaigns were a rousing success. Well over 1 million promotional Bryan Atoms firecrackers were given out to the public, no small feat considering the extensive waiver that Legal insisted we have every consumer sign. In spite of collecting over 28 Donald Trump signatures and 490 Darth Vader signatures, no lawsuits have been filed against us or the product resulting from loss of  digits or eyeballs. 

It is known throughout the entire company that the product's refusal to perform his scheduled concert at the SOFEX Global Security Exhibition and Conference was a massive embarrassment. However our staff of swimsuit models and ex Contra mercenaries managed to save face with a stellar power point presentation and kissing booth. 

With those 3 events behind us, it is time to take our security solutions to the mainstream. When you peel away the labels and costumes, politicians, military personnel and insurgents are no different than you and I. They feel joy and pain. They stare at their phones and skip YouTube ads like the rest of us. It's time that we acknowledge their humanity and begin marketing Bryan Atoms as though it were an appliance or entertainment unit. People want things handed to them. Sure, SOFEX is fun, but no one likes to travel for business. Our target audience must be spoon fed their security solution. Beginning with the attached advertisement we will be entering the next phase of exbranding, that of total media saturation (to be referred to as MEDSAT moving forward). We dipped our toes in the MEDSAT waters with the  aforementioned firecracker patriotism promotion, with substantial success. We expect that by presenting the product to the public as a weapon we will generate a significant buzz and attract clients and purchasers from all walks of life. Ad space has been purchased in all major North American, European, Asian and Middle Eastern newspapers, as well as in the online and international versions of Better Homes and Gardens, Sports Illustrated, Soldier of Fortune, Tiger Beat and Vogue. 

NOTE: Because Bryan Atoms is intended to be a covert-in-plain-sight (to be referred to as COINPLIGHT moving forward) form of weapon deployment, it is imperative that all MEDSAT ads obscure his face

NOTE: As evidenced in the attached images, we have determined that humans react positively to colours that make them think of their homes. As such, all MEDSAT will be colour coded according to the flag of the country where it appears. Attached are the MEDSAT for the United States, Qatar and China. When flag colours align, as is the case with England and the US or China and Spain,  the same MEDSAT may be rolled out in different countries.

United States.

 Qatar.            China.          

Friday, June 30, 2017


Memo 06/29/17

9:17 am
All Senior Staff. Read only.

As per the meeting this morning, we have begun moving forward with our campaign to locate and retrieve the product. R&D have informed us that while the product was fitted with a GPS, it appears to be malfunctioning, therefore we have contracted an outside agency to discover the whereabouts of Chinaski. According to the Editing department the product's final recorded dispatch from the Panic Nest studio indicates that his moral dilemma has possibly influenced him to do something, not only stupid, but economically damaging to the company as a whole. However, our external agents report that none of their satellite data indicates that the product has exited the planet's atmosphere. And if he has he is definitely not attempting to reach the sun. We must not, however, rule out the products inability to make sound decisions regarding astronomical  navigation.  He may be heading to another shiny celestial body. We will keep you updated as information comes in. 

Memo 06/29/17

All Senior Staff. Read only.
Our external contractor has reported an altercation at the product's residence. While the target was not achieved, an agent was assaulted by the product's hype dog Ill Molly Hatchet. The injuries sustained are minor but this has caused us to restructure our medical protocols. To ensure that no contagions are spread through the company, it is now mandatory for all staff to receive rabies and distemper vaccines, effective immediately. Failure to provide up to date vaccination documents will result in immediate quarantine followed by termination. We do not want a repeat of the bird flu, swine flu or SARS outbreaks of the past. 

Memo 06/29/17

All Senior Staff. Read Only.
The product has been located. Our agents apprehended him in his rented domicile. Prior to this he claims to have been at work. Our external contractor is verifying this now. The product  is confused and agitated and has demanded access to all future board meetings.  

Monday, June 26, 2017

(Strategy 3 part I) PUT THIS FUCKING IDIOT'S FACE ON EVERYTHING (Sub-strategy A: Making A Bang With Bryan Atoms)


It has come to our attention that music production is an inadequate medium for creating a significant stream of revenue. Consequently, we are left with little recourse but to branch out into additional markets to gain the product enough notoriety to move a substantial number of units. Obscurity has not yielded the numbers we had anticipated. The buzz we had hoped for has not been created. It is time to diversify. 

The product is a competent musician but musicians are notoriously poor. Businessmen, on the other hand, are known for doing business and making money. The product needs to expand its image and brand so that the name (Big/Lies/No/Hustle) Dry Chinaski becomes synonymous with, not only quality music, but quality garments, arms, scents, beverages, and words in general. Being a rapper and a producer is not enough. (Big/Lies/No/Hustle) Dry Chinaski needs to become a business entity unto itself. By entering new markets the product can undergo a complete creative metamorphosis while retaining its brand. Saturation of the product in ALL possible markets is the only solution. (Big/Lies/No/Hustle) Dry Chinaski will become the first name in music, only if it becomes the first name in perfume, clothing, water, self-help, sex, English, motivation, and weaponry. This is not a rebranding of the product, but rather an overbranding or extrabranding  (to be referred to as exbranding going forward) of the product. 

Having analyzed global sales trends, cross-referenced with the current political climate, it is clear that defence is the first new market for exbranding. While the industry is dominated by multi-billion dollar companies, our easily understood and innovative approach to warfare, combined with our lower prices, are sure to entice the shrewd businessmen governing the Western world. Exbranding begins with a name change. The product will be introduced into the defence market as Bryan Atoms. The name is immediately recognizable due to its similarity to the Canadian pop icon (our legal team has assured us that changing one consonant and one vowel makes the name legally distinct and therefore free from any copyright litigation). The concept is simple, Bryan Atoms is not only an artist, he is a walking, complaining nuclear weapon. As a performer he is the perfect vessel for an attack on a country, special  interest group, or insurgency, as his purpose appears to be the innocuous action of making and playing music. Few, if any people will take him seriously. Pop stars can do no wrong in this celebrity driven culture. Selling the product to government agencies improves our situation greatly, not only will we obtain a larger profit than we would through mass production of CD
s or vinyl, we will be putting the onus of marketing on the purchaser. Invariably the government agency that purchases Bryan Atoms will see him not only as weapon but a tool for propaganda. As we have all had the displeasure of learning, the product refuses to accept, not only his place in the economic caste system, and most market approved forms of authority. Thus, his iconoclastic bombast will work as the perfect cover for a living nuclear weapon. As he attempts to rally people against the "system" he will, in fact, be doing exactly what said "system" demands of him.

We are grateful to our research and development team for successfully implanting the nuclear device in the product's chest, however, this has created an unsightly scar. Therefore it is imperative that the product never performs or poses with his shirt off. 

Additional challenges we are facing, as anticipated, come from the product himself. Initially he seemed to embrace his new identity, using it as an excuse to declare his importance and power as a Master of Ceremonies. However, he has since transformed this opportunity into an existential crisis. Normally, we could simply ply the artist with various chemical substances to assuage any guilt or concerns about the future. However, now that the product is sober, he has become increasingly difficult to handle. Our primary goal, for the time being, must be keeping the product happy. Fortunately this means supplying him with cigarettes, coffee, peanut butter, popcorn and dog food. 

It has been brought to our attention in recent days that the device being housed in the artist's chest cavity has begun a countdown sequence. It is unclear when, and if, it will reach zero but this development, coupled with the product's ethical concerns, should inspire us to move with the utmost of haste, care and alacrity. If the product detonates, or worse, decides to diffuse himself by reducing his heart rate to zero, all of this work will be for naught. 

Any and all questions should be directed to myself, the project manager or the A and R department.

Thursday, September 22, 2016



The entirety of the world is plugged in. Save for the areas of the world that aren't, and those areas are, of course, a demographic to cater to at a later time. For now, it is paramount to utilize all digital platforms available to maximize Chinaskability and generate Drybucks. The music video may appear to be an archaic construct of the last century's brief flirtation with music focused programming. But it can still be a useful tool to expose your product [in this case (big/lies/no/hustle) Dry Chinaski, and his album The Skin Graft Icarus] to a new, financially secure and gullible audience. Everyone wants to be the first to discover something fresh and obscure, so we must strike now while the iron is frozen solid. Obscurity isn't forever. 

Concerning our meagre budget, it is essential that we make the most of the very little we have. As such, we need to produce a music video that will grab the viewer's attention but still remain cost effective. At no point should the video's commercial essence be forgotten, however, it is an "art form" and thus requires the same effort as other low arts such as comic pamphlets and hip hopping. The solution for this lies in the telling of a grandiose story. We must draw the viewer in with a compelling drama. Given our source material, a bastardization of the Myth of Daedalus and Icarus seems like the most prudent move. Violence and blood will be necessary. Sex is an important commodity, but one we will use at a later time. As for now, we will pander to the bloodlust of the viewer, and channel their inner hostility. And this is something that must not be forgotten, if we can successfully entertain then we have done our job and have thus won over a new bipedal bank account. 

It should be noted, that failure to entertain can be turned into success if we can sufficiently aggravate, frustrate, or incite the viewer to violence. If one dislikes the video, then we have failed. If they HATE the video than we have succeeded. Remember, everyone loves to hate. To be despised is to remain in the public consciousness. For every social media like, we must spawn two enemies. Individuals that loathe the video, and thus the product, will vocalize their disdain - and do most of the advertising for us. With that in mind, we have little alternative but to present a video that may amuse a minority, but will definitely arouse the hatred of the many. While it is a fact that the average consumer is attracted to bright shiny lights, it is equally true that they are repulsed by too many bright shining lights. Particularly if they are blinking. Furthermore, people detest reading. It causes intellectual discomfort and fosters a sense of inadequacy, especially when incorporated into a medium that is mostly devoid of text. A lyric video would seem like the perfect means to achieve our goals, however, our product has provided us with a paltry amount of violent drama. Consequently, we have no choice but to present our epic tale in text form. This will not only cut down on production costs, but will surely excite the rage of most viewers.